‘Nikki, write another blog post about Tinder’
‘Really, Queenie? I don’t know…’
‘Please, it’ll be really funny’
Why are we doing this again?
Three reasons:
- Because Queenie told me to
- Because the last time I blogged about Tinder, lots of people read it
- Because I still have a lot of screenshots to share.
What’s Tinder?
I’m fairly confident you’ll all know by now. But just in case you don’t, here are a few definitions I’ve been testing:
A dating app? Sure.
A modern day introduction service that allows you to choose the most attractive or interesting individuals within a specified radius? Maybe.
A fascinating fusion of the worst elements of humanity with the convenience of the digital age? Possibly.
A breeding ground for absolute cretins*? Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.
And I’m not bitter because some guy called me cocknose.
Honestly.
*Quick note before we throw the phrase ‘man-hating’ around: I don’t hate men and I acknowledge that there are probably some really nice guys on Tinder. But I stand by Tinder having a disproportionately high cretin/good ratio. That’s what gives me such great content.
How does it work?
A photo, name and age pops up. You swipe right if you like the look of them. Left if you don’t. You can click to see more photos and read a bio, should you feel thus inclined.
I mostly always swipe left because it turns out most people are less attractive than I imagined. I think I’ve been brainwashed by TV. Or I’m picky.
Why did you download it?
Are you going to keep saying ‘cretin’?
Five different Tinder cretins
1. The ones who asked if I am out tonight
A lot of people just wanted to know if I was ‘out tonight’. I’m rarely out. I’m usually sitting under a duvet watching Netflix or reading, which is almost certainly why I’m single. Nothing to do with my abrasive personality at all.
These dudes don’t seem too interested in getting to know someone, but that is fine. You do you, babes.
A few used me as a personal Trip Advisor, which is actually a role I preferred to Tinder wench:
2. The ones who are secretly sort of sexist
Me: Hi
Josh: Are you like a journalist then or
Josh: ………..
I explain that I’m a writer and that I mostly write for magazine features and the web.
Josh: So, do you do a lot of writing or just the occasional paragraph?
Me: Well, writers tend to do quite a bit of writing. We get fired otherwise.
Josh: And only some of it gets published.
Me: Er, no. All of it gets published. Sorry, what’s your problem?
Josh: Girls generally aren’t good at coming back from hostile moments, so not sure an amicable exchange would be possible now.
3. The ones who didn’t quite get it
With an active imagination and a low boredom threshold, it’s almost inevitable I’m going to say ridiculous things for my own amusement. I thought I was being too far-fetched to be believed. Apparently not.
The worst bit is, I’m so sure this conversation went on for a while but I can’t find the other screenshots 🙁
It happened more than once – stupid questions usually set me off:
4. The ones with a fragile sense of masculinity
In my infinite wisdom, I once set my Tinder bio to:
If you like pizza and you don’t have shit tattoos, we’ll get along fine.
One day it backfired quite spectacularly.
Look, you’re smart. You know I am referring to tattoos that are shit rather than describing all tattoos as shit, right? Jordan didn’t quite see it that way. He jumped right in with:
5. The ones who were incredibly awkward
There are so, so many examples to choose from.
Like Kevin, who wasn’t impressed by my Psychology degree.
Or Jonathan who didn’t have a good date yesterday:
